let me bring you up to speed:
in the last three months, alot of shit has changed but not a whole lot has HAPPENED.
i continued to date the kid i blogged about in the last entry and it's funny to think that i ever felt so cheesy about it. (i couldn't help but cringe at what i wrote on that post, hoping that it really wasn't me who wrote it but nope, unfortunately, after some deep memory investigating, i've concluded that the cheesy post was written by yours truly)
i guess when you're in that state of mind, your head is stuffed with that shit until you lose all sense of reality and the fact that you're so fucking cheesy.
however, after a few months, i decided i was lactose intolerant, threw up all the cheese in my head, or maybe it threw itself up and broke up with him sans dramatic exit: what was once boiling and bubbling hot fizzled to lukewarm nothingness in nearly an instant.
but that doesn't mean that i didn't learn anything from the experience!
to me, no matter what, dating is fun, if anything, it's blog fodder.
it was great getting to know him and spend time with him and establish new rituals, knowing that there was someone special....
but simultaneously still being able to be free to do whatever i wanted (as in not feeling like i had to resist any kind of "temptation")...like making out with a cute guy visiting from the Valley or hooking up with this cute-ass scenester after a whole night of partying at his place...without feeling guilty.
I thought it was perfect. I got to have my cake and eat it too.
having been screwed over by not-so-honest guys and their insatiable libidos in the gayest city in the world, i didn't want to continue the vicious cycle of heart-demolishing.
i made sure to let this kid know time and time again that things were cool between us because we were honest with each other about our feelings yet we didn't need to be forthcoming about our extracurricular activities.
while everything was really cool in the honesty front of our budding relationship, things weren't so cool in another important aspect of our relationship.
as i was getting to know him, i realized that he was constantly surprising me. every time it happened, i would always chastise myself for not noticing it sooner, but forgetting this realization time and time again, brushing it off as a isolated one-time things.
in hindsight, i realized that when i would poke fun at something in politics or a particular social circumstance, he wasn't really laughing with me, he was just laughing because i was laughing.
(i tend to laugh at my own jokes all the time. oops.)
i would try to recall inside jokes from a previous day, and it would take more than a few minutes to have him remember the context and by that time, the joke was long gone and dead.
when we would have long talks about where we were in our lives or what we believed in, he looked like he was listening. but his big, dark brown eyes would betray his confusion. they seemed to be begging to talk about something more comprehensible. of course, the sadist in me just continued. it's rare when people don't tell me to shut the fuck up when i start rambling.
even though he might have been a few pages behind, he was an all-around sweet guy. an endangered species in the gay dating world: "Good Morning!" texts that made me feel special, the gracious host whenever i came over, always willing to wait on me after a whole night of me waiting on people, making me dinner while I cued his DVR to Top Model, which we would watch side-by-side on his bed, debating who we thought were the best girls and why we think Tyra has gone insane during the commercials we always forgot we could fast forward, we were always so comfortable sleeping next to each other, and in 8 in the morning, when he would have to start getting ready for work, he would let me sleep in and enjoy the solitude of his neat, modest, 14th floor apartment where i would sit in his balcony smoking morning cigarette after morning cigarette while i scrutinized the tall, ominous downtown buildings until I was ready to catch the N train back home. and my favorite thing about him: he was absolutely aware of the concept and the importance of SPACE.
as much as I liked the routine we quickly developed, I also got bored of it quite easily.
i found myself drifting to other situations and conversations while we were spending time with each other and it wouldn't be appropriate for me to share them with him because they were more often than not, situations and conversations with other guys. and for however long i drifted away in conversation and returned to the present, i would find that i didn't even miss a beat.
even though i was only half-listening, i still got the gist of what he had to say.
it didn't take long to realize that i began to crave the unexpected and the unattainable. reliable and dependable, which are attributes he definitely possessed, they didn't seem to be enough anymore. i wanted more.
i want a challenge. i want someone to understand me. well, at least, what i'm saying without having to repeat myself or explain everything most of the time.
why can't everything be perfect???? i guess if it was, it would be boring, huh?
oh god!!!!
